Sonder
I’ve always loved to watch people; I’ve been an observer since I was small. As a fairly serious introvert, I often prefer to sit or stand back than to interact. I’ve enjoyed wondering, though, through the years, about peoples’ lives, their families, their jobs, what they think, how they feel, why they’re where they are, where they’re going. Malls, libraries, sporting events, airports, churches, and restaurants are ideal places to people-watch.
But this is what I know about all of them: I know they are each individuals with interesting, fulfilling, troubled, complicated, joyous, painful and, in short, fascinating lives, not unlike my own. I know their lives are as full and varied as mine is. I know they suffer and rejoice and work things out – with loved ones, on the job, in their friend circles – like I do. They are as invested in their lives and the lives of those they love as I am. If I knew them I’d like (most of) them.
Until recently I didn’t know there is a word for this. And until recently, there wasn’t.
A man named John Koenig has an online compendium he calls The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows; it consists of words he’s invented in an effort to fill a hole in the language, to give a name to emotions we feel but don’t have a word for. These are neologisms – “. . . beautiful new words that we need but do not yet have,” according to novelist John Green.
Now there is “sonder.”
And here is sonder’s definition: “n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own – populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness – an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.”
Isn’t that lovely? We are connected, in intricate and unseen ways to so many more individuals than those with whom we’re actually acquainted. We could be acquainted with them; we just aren’t.
Our influence, though, can impact some of these unknowns, maybe many of them. To smile at a stranger hurrying by, to open the door for one, to simply say hello to another, can change their lives and, because each one knows so many others, change many others’ lives also.
I’m reminded of the saying, attributed to the young adult author Wendy Mass, that we should “Be kind, for everyone you meet (or see!) is fighting a battle you know nothing about” (parentheses mine).
We are strangers to most people; most people are strangers to us. But we are connected because we are all human, we are all children of God. As we would hope to be treated, so should we treat others.
Look for ways to connect. We’re more alike than we might think, though of course specific individual circumstances vary. Give folks the benefit of the doubt whenever you can. Be careful, certainly. But ponder sonder . . .
12 Comments
Beth
I’ve always found people connections so interesting and many times fit into a purpose. Like our son Chad moving to Walla Walla, WA and finding close family we had not yet met! Thankful!
ckarlstrom
Yes, I love that kind of stuff too! I can’t tell you what a pleasure it’s been to meet you and your branch of the family!!! Thanks so much for reading and responding . . .
Trudie
I’m still pondering this..you always make me dig deeper ! Great thoughts🤗 I like to watch people, too…Do you ever notice when people get in an elevator, no one really makes much eye contact nor stands by anyone finding their own little space? My sister Cheri left the motto “Kindness warms the heart” and she lived it every day. A warm smile and kind gesture can make the heart smile ♥️🌹♥️ Thank you, Carolyn…I so enjoy reading your blogs.
ckarlstrom
And I so appreciate your responses. Thank you so much for taking the time to read these things and to write something. It means a lot to me!!
Sherri
What an interesting topic! I think often we are so self-centered (or busy!) that we don’t often notice others right around us. But what a difference it makes when someone says, “I love your coat!” or “Where do you get your hair cut? It’s so cute!” I remember compliments from strangers very vividly, and try to do the same thing, but not as often as I could. I used to try to compliment children I didn’t have as students, especially if they looked like they needed a little boost. I loved the looks on their faces….
ckarlstrom
I love your thoughtful responses, Sherri! Thanks so much for this one. And just for reading these pieces.
Cheryl
I’m trying to never assume I know what’s going on in someone’s life when I see their actions, and imagine what might actually be going on and give them the benefit of the doubt. Always giving grace and not judging is a battle I will probably never win but hope to develop more strongly in my life! I will be pondering Sonder. Thanks Carolyn!
ckarlstrom
No, it’s not safe to assume, is it? I try not to either. But I enjoy the observation of folks. Thanks for reading and commenting!!
Susie
The last time I took dad out to eat I observed a man sitting by himself watching me. He watched as I took dad to the bathroom. He watched as I reassured dad the “wet” spot on the front of his pants, on the return trip from the bathroom, wasn’t noticeable. He watched as I buttered, cut and put syrup on dads pancakes. He watched as I got up to get extra napkins from the waitress. He watched as I dipped the end of a napkin in my water glass to wash the syrup and butter off dads face and fingers. Then he got up and left. I helped dad out of the booth and held on to him as he shuffled towards the cashier with me. When I pulled out my wallet to pay the clerk said, “you don’t owe anything.” Pointing towards the booth the man was watching us from she said “he paid for your meal.” A stranger; watching, observing, connecting with his heart, responding.
ckarlstrom
What a precious story! I’m so glad you shared it with me. May that man be richly blessed! That is sondering at its best – watching a scenario, taking it in, intuiting the needs of those involved, then taking the next step and having a hand in helping to meet those needs. How wonderful! Thank you . . .
Nancy Hoppe
i have been to several memorials for old people who I really didn’t know as well as I thought. I have been amazed to find out about thier younger lives and I think, “Why didn’t I ask them questions?”
I missed out on so much. I’m trying to change my ways, and be more interested.
ckarlstrom
Yes, I’ve had that happen to me too. It’s a little sobering, isn’t it? And I really do try to pay attention. Thanks for your thoughtful comments, and for reading these things!! 🙂